I just got back 2 days ago from my 3.5 week internship in San Francisco at my uncle's bank. Not only was it one of the best times of my life, filled with many wild experiences, but I also took back many important lessons with me. I was able to see hard-work first hand, and suddenly realized that having no homework when you are actually working doesn't mean that it's easier than school like I always imagined. I had this very naive view that work was 9-5 and then you relax and gun the engines again the next day. But what I saw were people working way past that 9-5 slot because they felt it on their shoulders to improve the bank and get the work they had left done, whenever that time would be. So I felt what a 60 hour work week was like, but also felt what it was like to work with people really passionate about what they were doing, which segways nicely to why I'm taking this Gap Year. I really have no idea what I want to be professionally, what I want to study and pursue, or even what kind of person I want to be. I know that is very vague, but to use very rough examples: Do I want to be a guy who is taking risks every which way and trying to always find a new experience, do I want to be somebody that seeks to have lots of friends and be liked by everybody, do I want to be a very independent person, do I want to be someone that takes things very conservatively and is always "safe", or do I want to be a mix of these things and the other infinite possibilities.
There are millions of questions I have about the world and myself, and as my first blog post I want to address my goals for this upcoming year that I hope will help me in the end become a better person and put an answer to some of these questions, and give me a better sense of my purpose and understanding:
1)Become more patient
I want to learn to not get that feeling inside myself that seems unbearable when something doesn't go my way. For example today after many hours already packing, I was zipping up the suitcase and it just wouldn't budge. I felt like since I spent so long working on this suitcase already, I "deserved" for it to close smoothly and for it to work out in the end. But no the zipper didn't budge, and from a third person view I looked like a red faced bull trying to pull a little zipper 5 inches. I knew at the time that tugging as hard as I could wouldn't do a thing, but I got that feeling inside of me of impatience and wanting it sooo bad to already close itself, that I threw out my rationality and decided to be a red faced bull instead.
After moments like this and even sometimes during them, I realize how stupid I'm acting and tell myself not to do it again, but when that feeling spurs up in my stomach, I can't do a thing, but revert to bad habits.
I feel the tingle inside my stomach that forces me to act immaturely comes from honestly me being raised very fortunately and usually getting what I wanted, when i wanted. Compared to the majority of the world, I was very lucky to be born into a family that not only was supportive but also gave me all the resources I would ever need.
This year I want to realize that there is a certain humbleness that comes with patience that I want to achieve. I want to put away that feeling, and be calm. I never enjoy myself when I feel impatient, and I can only be an asshole to others when I'm in that state, so why waste precious seconds feeling like that. I'm been so lucky already, I have absolutely nothing to complain about, and I have no right to feel like something should fall my way just because I say it should.
2)It's not all about me
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others"
-Mohandas Gandhi
I think this is a perfect quote to go along with what I want to achieve in my Gap Year. Although I have committed myself to take a year to volunteer already, I don't think by just signing up and appearing everyday that I've done good and something admirable. At the end of the day, I want to say I gave it my all in my service and helped the people I was working with. I also want to do this with a certain sense of selflessness where I don't feel like I need a pat of the back or a plaque to go along with it. A lot of my life I feel like I have done an honorable thing, whether it was picking up trash after somebody, taking care of somebody when they were down, or even allowing people to stay in my house. But all the times I do something like this I feel wronged if I don't get large thank you very much and a nice show of gratitude. In fact there were many times when I felt wronged by a friend when they didn't thank me.
Although gratitude is very important, I shouldn't worry about doing work for others just so I get recognized for it. I want to actually do hands on work with the only acknowledgment being from myself, realizing I'm doing a good thing, and not needing to brag about what I just did so I can get a couple "good jobs" or "wow your such a good person" comments. I want to do something not for the praise that comes after, but I want to do something because of a personal concern I have. I actually very much struggle seeing people suffering and seeing people go unnoticed and mistreated, and I get a chance to finally help with that issue. But I also want to do it in a way where it really isn't about myself at all, it's about them.
3) Don't Judge People
What I got so accustomed to around my friends and school is judging people. Whether it be what there wearing or how they act, there are judgement's popping into everybody's head all the time.
One day in church though, the priest told a sermon about letting God be the one to judge us in the end, because as one of the most used sayings goes, "nobody's perfect"
That sermon totally hit home, and I realized what right do I have to judge somebody, and feel like I know what is better for him/her. I make mistakes all the time: I get impatient, I can cuss a lot, I have a short temper, etc. etc., and I'm sure everybody else makes mistakes as well, so why is it so common for someone to say things like, "WOW did you see what John was wearing today, what a faggot" (excuse the language but that word is used so often in cases like this)
Yet as I realize this I still make preconceived notions up in my head, and make judgements about people but aren't as open in sharing them as others.
This year, I want to finally put that side of me to bed, and only worry about improving myself, instead of trying to decide what's better for someone else. Especially going to countries I'm very green about and have tons to learn still, there can be no judgements I make. I really don't know what these people come from and how their lifestyle is different from mine.
4) Become less self conscious, don't worry about how you look or appear
This is more a materialistic goal, but something I want to improve on nonetheless.
Flatout I want to get to the point where I don't care how I appear to others, and don't get those thoughts in my head like, am I looking good for this pretty girl walking down the street, hows my hair, how are the clothes I'm wearing, are these people looking at me because they like what I'm wearing and think I'm handsome, or because I'm a freak and am looking like a goose.
I want to just put myself together in the morning, like the way I'm feeling, and the rest is history. I want to go about the rest of my day just not giving a crap about how I appear to others. Who cares at all what people think of you, just like who you are and roll with it!
5) Be Yourself Around People, don't be shy in situations your not accustomed to
If you saw me in a party with my friends, there are some chances my pants and shirt are off (grundle!!!) and am having a jolly time, interacting with everybody, and enjoying life
But if you saw me in a party where I only knew a couple of people. I would reside myself in a corner being very shy and expecting for people to come talk to me and not vice versa.
This year I hope to finally be myself all the time, which is someone very outgoing and trying to have a ton of fun. I don't want to be reserved, and I think I definitely am growing out of my shy shell. Especially being with my ultra outgoing uncle in San Fran, I have continued to learn to not know what an "awkward" situation is, and just bask in all the moments you are in, because they only happen once.
Well it's now 9:46 by the digitial clock on the top right hand corner of my laptop and I need to wake up at 2:30 am to catch my flight. So I'm gonna end my first post here, and I have many other goals as well, but these were the ones that popped up in my head right away, so I'm assuming there the most important ones as of now. I apologize for the structure, grammatical errors, and language, but I'm trying to write these as almost a stream of conscience with whatever popping up in my head hitting this blog.
Next time I see you (blog) again is in Russia
Do Svidania (goodbye in Russian......I think, i hope google is correct)!!!!
